Personal Accouting

I've been mulling over the idea of personal accounting lately. I don't mean the sort of accounting that you do for purposes of tax-filing, although considering that it's filing season, and financial aid season, such a sentiment is a welcome metaphor.

Or something like that.

What I mean is the sort of accounting one does for one's own self, and for one's own posterity. The kind that's not as easy as the numeric system of currency, because apples, in one's own mind and, dare I say, heart, are not always paid for in apples. (An intuitive thing, really. It's the basis of the simplest form of trade - barter) Still, with the general hectic nature of my life (a big joke, but still. 24 units is no walk in the park), there are invariable things I feel I owe myself, as I'm sure everyone in the world owes themselves something.

I've been reading sincerelyJohn's blog periodically, and have empathized with his being alone or whatever you might want to call it. I guess it's because on some crazy, emotional, totally adolescent level (I only have 4 months to milk it, so milk it I will), I feel alone as well. In my pursuits of higher knowledge (sure.), I've sort of adapted this almost individualistic philosophy. It was, and is, about my growth. Makes sense, right?

Similarly, I've been telling myself that I'm a character. I'm that kind of stereotypical friend (acquaintance, or contact, if you will) that people have to have. That unique blend of crazy, smart and crazy. But still, at the end of the day, the long term goal has always been to achieve a sort of avuncular Nirvana - let me care for others, but be fundamentally unbound. A detached, but loving uncle, if you will.

Now I'm starting to question that philosophy of mine. Hell, in sincerelyJohn's words (and yes, I feel the need to wash my hands of this atrocious comment that's about to come): "If even [ceratin people] can find 'love', why can't we/I?"

happy endings not guaranteed.

I guess I owe it to myself to take the dive and search. I'm not saying it's not going to come my way (I feel it might), nor does it mean that I'm about to go rouge my knees and paint the town red (and all that Jazz). No, what I mean is that if I feel something, then this crazy smart crazy self of mine needs to go out and ask... especially if that other person is a shy, bumbling other.

I mean, c'mon. You did see that I'm two parts crazy to one part smart. Might as well take the stupid dive and "be the one to ask... y'know, have initiative". If it works, then, well, nothing to complain about. And if it doesn't, then I can just continue being crazy and live life still, MAYBE waiting for another chance. I'm not about to get scarred for life because of this one crazy instance. eh. HAHA

After all, I did say some months ago (or has it been a year), that I was gonna change my perspective from the academia to maybe, just maybe, one of actual action. I've MAYBE lived vicariously enough. MAYBE.To be honest, I doubt that I have, but what's there to lose in trying, right?

What's the point of honing your radar (ehem.) if you're not even gonna try it out in the real world.



That's personal accounting for you. Some sort of debit and possible credit. I can't wait until I'm 29 and I have to file non-personal taxes. (that was sarcasm, mind you.) Let me have my lackluster sarcasm and full-blown emo. I have 4 months left as a teenager.